So...its been a while...I know!! In fact, its been QUITE a while! It likely feels much longer for me than any of you, but it doesn't change the fact that its been a wee bit of time since I last did any writing. And I do mean ANY writing at all. Its a long story why its been a while, and not really that interesting for any of you,filled with MANY of my insecurities, and ALL of my self-pity, and a whole lot of over-super-sensitive-not-as-thick-skinned-as-I-thought crap! Turns out, I am far too personally involved in something which quite obviously rubs some people up the wrong way, and I don't do too well at handling it. My issue, MY problem.
Anyway, I got to thinking about myself, (just in case any of you thought that I wasn't self-centered and vain, the proof is now in writing for all to see, I THINK ABOUT ME), for the last wee while in relation to writing. As it turns out, I like the thought of being someone with controversial ideas and thoughts. I like the idea of beginning a debate which will stir people up, and get them thinking. In my head I picture myself as a strong, independent, confident and vocal woman with specific views and ideals, who doesn't care what others think about it all.
My question is, why is it that I am so bothered by it all? Despite peoples comments, despite their disagreement, I do know what I think and believe about stuff. I also know the reasons I have ended up with these thoughts and beliefs. And I am ok with my thoughts and beliefs about things. Sure, I don't think I am perfect in any of it. I know that I have a whole lot of crap which influences a lot of what I believe. I also know that I have been through a whole lot of healing, and have a lot of good stuff that I think as a result, too. Peoples disagreements
Well, maybe the obvious...I am too insecure to be putting myself out in a public forum. I am not strong, or thick-skinned enough. I should keep my writing as more like a diary. But unfortunately, I am stupidly extreme. I wouldn't just write for myself. Isn't that the point of writing? To share it? I enjoy it. I love putting my thoughts down, cos trust me, there a whole lot of them crashing around in my head. And annoyingly, I like to put it out there. I love that people would bother to take the time to read what I write. I love that people might think about what I have been thinking about...whether loving or hating it. I love to know that people think the same, and that people think differently. And despite it pushing all my
Well, whatever the reason, I am over my tantrum...for today...and am taking baby steps back into writing.
But really...am I the only psycho on the planet, or do we all have schizophrenic relationships with something we do?
NB: Please know, if you have disagreed with my blogs, and commented that disagreement in the past, do not think this is about you, or that I am picturing you being boxed within an inch of your life, while writing this! *wink* I have truly appreciated hearing your thoughts, and would hate you not to do so in the future as a result of this blog! I am simply sharing my stupid issues, and they're not anyone else's problem. Please know that I don't mean to put off or offend anyone!
I reckon it has a lot to do with the difference how guys and women view and hold opinions.
ReplyDeleteGuys tend to see an opinion as an abstract thing that gets taken out, examined, tested, and if it's any good, kept. If it blows apart then a guy will just get another opinion. Women tend to see an opinion as an extension of themselves that they hold and share; when it gets attack, you're attacking them by proxy because they're holding it.
For example, the way I'd attack an opinion of Kristy's would be light years away from how I'd attack John Milmine's. With John I could be very blunt and say I thought his opinion was complete rubbish and he wouldn't care or particularly believe me unless I backed that up. If I took that approach with Kristy, I'd have a permanent bed set up on the couch. She would HATE that and it would cut her deep.
Sometimes commenters on blogs forget that there's another person on the other side of the screen, who might be crushed that you're bluntly ripping their ideas to shreds or at least trying to. It doesn't help that text can be incredibly impersonal, empowering people to be much more bastardly than they'd normally be, or taking away their inflection so they seem blunt rather than gentle.
I know what you mean though, I like to be controversial and make debate happen but sometimes it comes back and bites you. Sometimes I just want everyone to say "Well done Tony, what an original brilliant idea, I have seen the error of my way and now agree with everything you say" but instead everyone rips on it. That's tough and no matter the gender, like any creative, it's awfully hard to see your creation get torn apart by others. But there's this weird drive to keep putting it out there, and that's what I see with your continuing to write. I have an enormous amount of respect for that, and it's the mark of a true creative. Keep writing and being controversial.
I totally identify with the dilemma of feeling hurt after stirring up an argument which at the time I enjoyed but later wish I'd left alone. I find it hard to separate my opinions from myself. During an argument it's easy but later on I think about people's responses and wonder what it was they were trying to say about me. I like hearing why you hold the opinions you have the most - because you can't really disagree with someones experience.
ReplyDeleteOh and welcome back xx
Hehe...I think that is so true!! And I like to think of myself as one of the boys, like I can handle it blunt and straight up, (especially since I've got so many brothers and come from a VERY blunt dutch family). And in some things I can, and do. But when it is something that I feel I have been vulnerable in, or something I hold dear to...I fall well short of being able to remove myself from it!!
ReplyDeleteHAha, don't we all wish everyone would pat us on the back all the time and tell us how amazing we are and how original our ideas are!! ;-)
Thanks for the encouragement! I think I will keep it up...seems I can't help myself!! :-)
Thanks Libs!! Yeah I am the same...I go over everything said in great detail in my head!! And everything I said...over and over...haha!! You would think I had unlimited space in that head of mine for memory!! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI have to say...it is good to be back!!
Yaye you're back! Great post...totally get ya! And you know what - my post kind of ties in with yours.....trippy stuff! :)
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree with Tony's ^ view that "I reckon it has a lot to do with the difference how guys and women view and hold opinions.", I think most of this stuff has to do with our generation - Generation ME.
What you write is not offensive AT ALL so when you get attacked or strongly criticised for writing something that is just your opinion and clearly comes from the heart then it isn't your issue at all - it's THEIRS.
And you know why t I put the blame on the commentators: because Generation Me is very opinionated, has to always be right, thinks everything is about them personally and therefore can't handle any criticism whatsoever...so God forbid anyone who dares to speak the truth, to ask the questions, to say things that are normally left unspoken.
You being sensitive to rather CRITICAL critiques is fair enough - people need to remember that while it is only words on a community screen (which should be able to be taken or just left) that there is a person with feelings behind those words. Keyboard warriors are just bullies. Period.
I love debate too but hate it when anyone disagrees with me IN THE SLIGHTEST, also get a little offended as I just want them to agree that I am right (even your comment -which wasn't offensive at all re my Easter blog)! Which is a normal human first response. It stems from needing to be loved, liked and ACCEPTED. But I come round (usually!) after the second read & accept that it is just another opinion & so respond more rationally (note to self - must try & refrain from responding instantly!!).
However if I had had the kind of comments that you have had on your blog & FB page - I'd be devastated. Actually I did once - a so-called friend called me racist. Well while highly upset I thought "screw you" so told her sorry, but I think our friendship has come to an impasse (she was a classic example of super liberal Generation Me that stands for anything that has protest in front of it).
SO I say keep doing what you clearly do best which is write from the heart & ask the questions many of us are too lame to ask ourselves! xx
P.s - epic FAIL re the proof read...oops!!!!
ReplyDeleteHaha...don't worry about the proof read...I have reread some of the comments I sent you from my phone...fail for sure!! ;-)
ReplyDeleteAww I am so sorry that my message about Easter upset you!! I totally didn't mean it that way!! I meant it more as a mock of myself!! Sorry babe!!
Thanks for the encouragement!! I do always think that I write from my heart, and try to put it in such a way that its not offensive...but I guess that's where the written word falls short...lacking context and expression, and often the opportunity to clarify. My problem is that I write it much better than I say it, when it comes to my heart and the rubbish filling up my head! So it's a lose lose...I think I sometimes do more damage when I try and say something!! Haha...I'm doomed!!
Man, that sucks about your friend calling you a racist. And especially from a friend...I don't think I would handle that well!!
xoxox
Yes context can be tricky when it comes to this kind of medium, but that's when it is up to the reader to think about the author's purpose & intention & perhaps read the post a couple of times before replying. Or just not reply at all.
ReplyDeleteAnd nooo you didn't upset me.....you just offered a slightly different point of view when I just like everyone to agree with EVERYTHING I say! haha! :)
Nooo you're not doomed at all - you write well so keep at it!
Many thanks for your comments too. I have had a look at other blogs & thought I might try emailing my responses to people rather than adding to the comment feed...hard to know what the correct etiquette is! xx
Hey Sis,
ReplyDeleteSo stoked you've 'picked up the pen' again (so to speak)! I will be reading your blogs with much thought (I love the provocation!).
I think you are right about us all being schizo's in some form. For me it's probably jokes about my childhood dramas (Uncle drip :( ). Kidding.
Love the honesty!
Love ya!
Sam.
Hey wee bro!!
ReplyDeleteAww thanks for the encouragement!! I love that you read what I write!! And I do love our chats, (also so to speak), after!! Great to hear a wider range on things, and from someone with a bit of study knowledge!! :-)
Haha...I can relate to the childhood dramas!! Who would have thought that lip gloss would have such a long lasting negative effect!! ;-) Aah, nothing like family loving!! (So to speak) ;-)
Love ya back!!
xoxoxo